Wow...I can't believe I am actually doing this. I am putting my experience out on the world-wide web. I guess I have to start somewhere, right?
So what is my experience? Well, I am finally coming to terms with being transgender. It is something I've dealt with my entire life, but I did not actually figure it out until last year. Hindsight is 20/20.
A little about me. I am 46 years old. I've identified as male since birth, at least physically. I never quite felt like an actual boy growing up, but it was the hand I was dealt, so I tried my best to play it out as everyone expected. I have lived my entire adult life as a gay man, and at this time, I still do...for now. I am not sure what will happen next. Then again, does anyone?
So why am I writing this? Well, in a way, it's my attempt at dealing with all the emotions and life-altering decisions that come with confronting my true feelings in an attempt to make some sense of it all. I am hoping this will be a cathartic experience for me.
I blame Caitlyn Jenner for this. And I thank her.
When the world was waiting for the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer, I was very curious to hear his story and what was going to happen next. Prior to that interview, I never thought of my self as transgender, even though my whole life pointed to that with glaring arrows. The signs were all there, but apparently, I didn't did acknowledge them.
Let me backtrack briefly. Growing up, I knew I was very different than a typical boy. I liked pretty, feminine things, and wanted to play with girl toys and wear girl clothing. I also learned early on that that wasn't how it worked, and I had to conform the best I could. In college, I eventually figured out that I must be a gay man because I liked men, and although I knew what a "transsexual" was in terms of the definition, I did not equate that to my life...until the Bruce Jenner interview, that is.
As I watched the interview, I listened intently to Bruce's words. And soon after it all started, it all became clear to me. I started to cry. My partner asked me, "Is this hitting too close to home?" In tears I replied, "Yes."
We did not talk about my response again, and we haven't yet. Maybe we will one day, but who knows. Anyway, it took me some time to process all my emotions, and I hit the web to find out information about being transgender. Suddenly, my whole life made sense. I finally heard someone's story that was almost exactly how I felt my whole life. I never put two and two together before that interview. I am a fairly intelligent person, yet I did not figure it out until then.
Although I grew up in a very Catholic household, it wasn't conscious denial that kept me from figuring it out. I guess I just hadn't heard anyone's story from anyone that I could relate to. I knew who Candis Cayne, Laverne Cox, and Amanda Lepore were, for example, but I just couldn't relate my story to theirs because I never really heard their stories. Plus, I figured I must be gay because at least I knew people who were gay, and I could mostly relate to their feelings and experiences...mostly. It was like getting a pair of shoes that fit mostly, but are never quite comfortable.
After many internet searches, feelings moved to the forefront, and I realized that I wasn't really a gay man, but rather a heterosexual woman in a male body. But what does it all mean? I still haven't quite figured that part out.
When the "Call me Cait" Vanity Fair cover came out, I was thrilled. Watching someone who's story I related to gave me a sense of joy and hope. I thought she looked stunning in the photos, and I looked at them over and over. She was so brave to face her feelings. I hope that I will be that brave one day. No, one day I will be that brave. I will define my life by my terms...once I figure out what those terms are going to be.
I knew their would be a groundswell of support for her, and I realized the other side of it all was also going to emerge. Sadly, we don't live in a world where difference is always tolerated, and those speaking on behalf of "religion" are spreading more hatred and less love when it comes to things they know little about. I realize this is new ground for so many people. A famous male figure suddenly changes his identity completely. That is going to take some getting used to, I get it. I applaud that she did it all on her terms. Brave and smart.
Watching the series "I am Cait," was an enlightening experience. I also enjoyed watching "I am Jazz." Both shows gave me a sense of hope, despite the challenges that lie ahead for those identifying as transgender.
So where does that leave me? Well, for now, I am figuring out what happens next. I have told two people in life at the time of this writing. My partner is not one of them. I hope to tell him soon. I just am not sure what to tell him, and how much I am going to alter my life going forward. My brain has been on this journey for about a year, and I realize that holding it in is making me more and more frustrated. I am fortunate that I have two people to talk with about it. I am looking into counseling as well. Fortunately, I am level-headed and I have dealt with my difference my whole life.
I have a steady job that I love, wonderful family and friends, and an amazing life. I am truly grateful for my blessings. I know I will figure out what is best as time goes on. I will continue to search for answers.
I would like to thank you for reading this blog. I will keep you updated on my story.
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Jimmy Dean
Love and light.
