Orlando and other things....

I apologize for my absence in writing. Since my last posting, so much has happened in the world, and I've had some difficulty trying to wrap my head around it all.

Upon hearing of the slaughtering of the innocent victims of the Orlando night club massacre, I felt so lost for over a week. Trying to understand why it happened consumed me for a while. I also did not do myself any favors by reading some of the hatred spewed from the mouths of "preachers" and "political leaders" immediately in the aftermath of it all. It all became too much, and it weighed heavily on my mind.

I am generally a very upbeat and positive person. I try desperately to look for the good in all situations, and I seek to understand why things happen, and why some people react or do things as they do. Sometimes, no matter how much we seek, answers may not arrive. At times, we have to be okay with that.

Like many, my very first instinct was that the shooter was gay to some degree, and because of his self-loathing, he was not able to accept himself. I was the victim of a bully in high school who suffered the same self-loathing. He took out his frustrations on me with verbal abuse, and he even hit me one time. Fortunately, it wasn't deadly on a physical level, but it did some emotional damage for a while. It turns out he was gay, and hated himself, and I just happened to be the object of his frustration. I'm not in any way justifying the shooters hatred and actions, I just feel it's so unfortunate people still have to deal with hating themselves so much.

The days following the massacre, the world felt so turned upside down. There was a lot of talk about gun control of course, with both sides of the issue firing up their defenses. In my opinion, it boils down to the hatred that everyone seems to spew regarding the LGBTQ+ community. When preachers condemn us and politicians create laws to ostracize us, it's no wonder there is so much hatred directed toward us. It's not right, but I can understand where this insane fear and misunderstanding stems from. The sad part is that some people can't see through that, and instead, they embrace these ideas, or at least use them to justify their hatred.

Although I would say that most people were horrified by the events of June 12, there were many who used it as an excuse to further spread the hatred. When will it end? Is it the gun laws? Is it mental health services in decline? I don't think it's just one thing. But, at the root of it, I think it's the lack of love and acceptance in the world.

So what do we do? Well, the loss of those 49 beautiful people should not be in vain. In fact, after the week had passed, I noticed a groundswell of support from people all over the country. As the LBGTQ+ community and our allies, we need to keep this momentum growing. We need to keep standing up for our rights to be treated as first-class citizens, as humans. We cannot give into the fear that the haters want us to bow to. We cannot be put back into closets and beaten in alleyways, and denigrated from the pulpits. We need to shut out the haters, and spread messages of love and acceptance, and work together. We need to be louder than the opposition.

Love will win. Love always win. 

Thank you for letting me vent. I know I am not alone in how I feel. But I also know that I can't let the feelings of a few affect me and bring me down. There is too much good in the world to be drown out by the evil. Stay strong. Stay positive. Spread love.

Some Day are Better than Others...

The weather today is pretty reflective of my mood today. There are moments of intense sunshine, then a cloud-cover of grey, then sunshine, then grey, and it continues. That's how I am feeling today.

When I went to bed, I day dreamed myself to sleep imagining my wedding day...the way I want it to be. My family is there, beaming, all happy to be there. My man waiting for me at the end of the aisle, with a big smile on his face. My nieces are flower girls, my nephew a ring bearer. My sister is my matron of honor, and my mom walks me down the aisle. My man's sister and his nieces are my other bridesmaids. My brother is an usher, and my man's best man is his best friend. As I get ready to walk down with my mom, she looks at me and tells me how proud and happy she is today. After the ceremony, we get to the speeches. They are heartfelt and tear-filled. It's perfect.

Oh, and the dress? I had it made just for me. My hair is up, my nails are done, and I am feeling gorgeous. Then I drift off to sleep with a smile...

Then, I woke up. My man was next to me, checking out Facebook on his phone...the usual Sunday activity to start the day. Things seemed fine, and we cuddled for a bit. For reference, I wore a very OLD t-shirt that has seen better days. Many holes in the fabric from about 17 years of washing! (Not a bad testament to the quality!)  He commented on the shirt, and I replied that it was very old. I said, "Will you still love me when I'm old..." and I paused. He jokingly picked up with, "And full of holes?"

I laughed, but noticed a change in his facial expression once the hidden, unexpected meaning became apparent. Immediately, my stomach turned, and I felt sick. The grey cloud moved in quickly, just as it had with the weather. I decided to go out and plant some flowers from yesterday's purchases. He seemed to be okay, but my cloud hadn't left yet. When I got back in, he asked if I was okay. I didn't reply with the truth, I just said, "Yes," and went to shower.

I knew this was going to be a tough, emotional journey. Some days, I feel so happy that the burden of the "secret" is out to him, and other days, it's like the weight is double. I am a very positive person, who truly is grateful for all I have, and I don't like to focus on the negative. I even questioned posting my feelings because I don't want to dwell or focus on the negative. Maybe the purpose of the post is to let others know that they are not alone in their feelings, should there be some like this.

I actually feel better having let it out. I guess that letting it go is a good thing. I will continue to focus on the good that is in my life, and keep bringing more of that into it. I really do feel better. Thanks for taking a moment to read this. If it helps you with any struggle, I am grateful that my words can help. You are not alone...even when you feel most alone. There is no moment of sadness that lasts forever.  I wish you love and light.

Dear GAP Inc....

Dear Gap,

I am writing to express my extreme disappointment in what you have become. I can't say I'm surprised...the decline has been building for years. I worked at a recently-closed Gap, and I was there since the excitement of the 90's. Where to begin? Let me try.

When I first started working at Gap in the early 90's, Gap was THE place to shop. When people found out I worked there, they were jealous! They loved my outfits, and I did, too. I saw the rise of Gap. People stood in line during the holidays to buy everything Gap had to offer. I loved giving Gap gifts at Christmas and birthdays, and the recipients loved getting them. Gap was fun, colorful, and high-quality.

Fast forward to the infamous store meeting where all 90 of our employees were told that Gap was going fashion forward! Gap would be a fashion leader! I walked out of that meeting, looked at my friend, and I said, "Gap is going down."

It was not what I had hoped to say, but I knew our customers, and being "fashion forward" was not going to sit well. It didn't, and never really did after that. So that first shipment arrived. Huge, over-sized, airbrushed tank tops, ironically, didn't sell at $72. Why? Because they were hideous, poorly sized, and you could find a better fitting, better sized similar tank at Wet Seal, two stores down. We couldn't even give them away at $2.97 in the fall. I knew we were heading into a fashion decline. 

The fall line was horrible, and Gap realized it was in trouble. They started putting a halt on whatever new stores were being built, and they tried to cancel as much of the upcoming lines as they could. It was an emergency back-to-basics move, that made Gap look like it was spiraling out of control. The clothing that they did manage to keep was as basic as possible. It was a drab color pallet of black, navy, olive, grey, white, and khaki. Customers kept asking what was going on. We had no answers. 

It took a long time for Gap to recover from that "fashion forward" idea. And to be honest, it never really did fully recover. Yes, there were brief glimmers of hope, but from a sales associate's point of view, they just weren't listening to the customers or the employees. I could never figure out who was making all these bad choices. My guess? New "blood" who had "fresh" ideas for a company that was doing just fine. Trying to take an established, well-oiled machine and turn it into a "fashion forward" trendy clothing company was a huge mistake.

As far as letting Mickey Drexler go, well, the employees thought it was a mistake. Looking at the current state of Gap, I think we might have been right. So Gap tried some new designers, which ultimately failed. I remember seeing shipments come in already marked down for clearance, and it was the new line. The fabrics were a mix between Macy's woman and Hot Topic. There was no style, no flow, no consistency. We all wondered what the Hell was going on. They fired yet another designer.

Now, had they asked the employees what people were saying, we could have helped them out. One of the most common comments was..."If they made the adult line like the Baby Gap line, I'd buy this in a heartbeat." 

Baby Gap was the only brand that seemed to sell at our store on many days. They had the classic Gap look, fun colors, and great quality. Why didn't they do that with the adult line? I will never know. They failed to ask us, the employees, what we think would work. However, they kept coming up with new, horribly unsuccessful looks, with poor quality and sizing. (Well, they did do a survey once. It changed nothing.) The customer became accustomed to super cheap sales because that was the only time clothing seemed to sell. There was no incentive to buy anything at full price.

And the days of the crazy stripe sweater...gone. Nothing was exciting any more. One holiday season we had mauve and gold, or brown and gold, color themes. No reds, no greens. Yes, mauve and brown. Very UN-holiday. The decorations, the once proud, colorful holiday explosion, had been reduced to cheaply made gold peace signs and brown mail-wrapping boxes. It was a disaster. I have not seen an exciting holiday collection in over a decade. So sad, but true.

You'd think, after all the success of the 90's, they might have looked at what made them so successful. The clothing was great...colorful, fun, well-made, and people loved it. Gap had it's own look. You knew a Gap oxford, a Gap sweater, Gap jeans and khakis. Then, they went and became generic, cheap, and ill-fitting. Trying to sell it to customers was very unsatisfying, and nearly impossible. 

So fast forward to the past few years. There was the occasion glimmer of old Gap, but it didn't last. The writing was on the wall. Our store became a base level store. We got the most basic stuff Gap had to offer. The quality declined, the sizing was still off, and customers were not connecting with the merchandise. We knew things were looking dim. We made it past the first round of closings, but our turn soon came. And in the end, we did close.

I remember the last employee "pep rally," Gap's all-out push for spring. We had to watch a video promoting Gap's new turn around for Spring 2016. I knew we would not see that new line at our store, and we didn't. I did find their new approach, well, appalling. They were going to target the 25-35 year old...shocking. That hasn't worked in the past, but now, apparently Gap really knows what they are doing. Oh wait, that hasn't worked yet. 

When will they listen? They clearly have no clue where to head the once mighty ship. When I look online to see the new lines (since I can't see them up close), I just shake my head. The clothing is generic, boring, and lacks any of the classic Gap style. I realize that the customers that made Gap the success that it once was have aged, but had Gap stayed true to it's origins and staples, it would have remained a force to be reckoned with. 

It's unfortunate for so many reasons. One of the reasons I loved Gap so much, other than the once-awesome clothing, was how well it treated its employees. They were so open and progressive. Supporting the LGBT community long before it was fashionable. It offered so much promise and hope.

Sadly, those loyal customers have moved on, and they did a long time ago. They can find the same clothing at better quality and cheaper prices in many other stores. There is nothing that is really unique anymore about Gap. You'd think with all the Gap logo sweatshirts people still seek at outlet stores, the big wigs at Gap would notice that people long for the classic look of Gap. Will they ever get back to that? I am not sure. Even if they do, will it be too little too late? 

It seems the once mighty Titanic known as Gap, has hit its iceberg, and now they are trying to keep a sinking ship afloat. I stayed with my store until the very last day...literally. It was such a sad moment. My friends and I stood there, looking at the now empty, once bustling, shell of three Gap stores. I took a moment, took it all in, and felt sadness in my heart. It was like a friend had passed away. I loved my store, and I looked forward to working my shifts. Fortunately, many lasting friendships emerged from those days, and for that I am eternally grateful. 

I always hold hope that Gap will be able to turn it around, but the glory days of the 90's seem to be just that...glory days. It was a fun ride while it lasted. Thanks for the memories and the friendships. See you around, old friend. 

What a week!

First, I'd like to take a moment to give thanks to the men and women who have served and made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Those who have passed and those who continue to serve are owed a huge debt of gratitude. Mere thanks are not enough.

In personal news, I came out to my partner this week. Not by choice, but he knew things were bothering me, and alluded to my situation. I had wanted to tell him at some point soon, but I was not sure when the right time might be. I guess there really is no time like the present. The situation presented itself, and I went with it...ready or not.

The initial response was very supportive. I was the one crying. But knowing my partner as well as I do, I knew that was just the initial response. Then came some confusion, sadness, more tears (from him in front of me), and possibly light anger at the situation. We had some deep discussions, and they left me worried it might be over for us.

As the week passed, things seemed to level out. The initial awkwardness of the first few days seemed to subside. We had a great long weekend. He did say that we will adjust to the new normal and figure things out together. That gives me great hope! Hope...the one thing I will not give up.

What does it all mean? I have no idea. One day at a time. That's all I can do, right? Sorry this is so brief, but I wanted to get it down and out there. Happy Memorial Day. Love and light.

The First Post and Caitlyn Jenner

Wow...I can't believe I am actually doing this. I am putting my experience out on the world-wide web. I guess I have to start somewhere, right?

So what is my experience? Well, I am finally coming to terms with being transgender. It is something I've dealt with my entire life, but I did not actually figure it out until last year. Hindsight is 20/20.

A little about me. I am 46 years old. I've identified as male since birth, at least physically. I never quite felt like an actual boy growing up, but it was the hand I was dealt, so I tried my best to play it out as everyone expected. I have lived my entire adult life as a gay man, and at this time, I still do...for now. I am not sure what will happen next. Then again, does anyone?

So why am I writing this? Well, in a way, it's my attempt at dealing with all the emotions and life-altering decisions that come with confronting my true feelings in an attempt to make some sense of it all. I am hoping this will be a cathartic experience for me.

I blame Caitlyn Jenner for this. And I thank her.

When the world was waiting for the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer, I was very curious to hear his story and what was going to happen next. Prior to that interview, I never thought of my self as transgender, even though my whole life pointed to that with glaring arrows. The signs were all there, but apparently, I didn't did acknowledge them.

Let me backtrack briefly. Growing up, I knew I was very different than a typical boy. I liked pretty, feminine things, and wanted to play with girl toys and wear girl clothing. I also learned early on that that wasn't how it worked, and I had to conform the best I could. In college, I eventually figured out that I must be a gay man because I liked men, and although I knew what a "transsexual" was in terms of the definition, I did not equate that to my life...until the Bruce Jenner interview, that is.

As I watched the interview, I listened intently to Bruce's words. And soon after it all started, it all became clear to me. I started to cry. My partner asked me, "Is this hitting too close to home?" In tears I replied, "Yes."

We did not talk about my response again, and we haven't yet. Maybe we will one day, but who knows. Anyway, it took me some time to process all my emotions, and I hit the web to find out information about being transgender. Suddenly, my whole life made sense. I finally heard someone's story that was almost exactly how I felt my whole life. I never put two and two together before that interview. I am a fairly intelligent person, yet I did not figure it out until then.

Although I grew up in a very Catholic household, it wasn't conscious denial that kept me from figuring it out. I guess I just hadn't heard anyone's story from anyone that I could relate to. I knew who Candis Cayne, Laverne Cox, and Amanda Lepore were, for example, but I just couldn't relate my story to theirs because I never really heard their stories. Plus, I figured I must be gay because at least I knew people who were gay, and I could mostly relate to their feelings and experiences...mostly. It was like getting a pair of shoes that fit mostly, but are never quite comfortable.

After many internet searches, feelings moved to the forefront, and I realized that I wasn't really a gay man, but rather a heterosexual woman in a male body. But what does it all mean? I still haven't quite figured that part out.

When the "Call me Cait" Vanity Fair cover came out, I was thrilled. Watching someone who's story I related to gave me a sense of joy and hope. I thought she looked stunning in the photos, and I looked at them over and over. She was so brave to face her feelings. I hope that I will be that brave one day. No, one day I will be that brave. I will define my life by my terms...once I figure out what those terms are going to be.

I knew their would be a groundswell of support for her, and I realized the other side of it all was also going to emerge. Sadly, we don't live in a world where difference is always tolerated, and those speaking on behalf of "religion" are spreading more hatred and less love when it comes to things they know little about. I realize this is new ground for so many people. A famous male figure suddenly changes his identity completely. That is going to take some getting used to, I get it. I applaud that she did it all on her terms. Brave and smart.

Watching the series "I am Cait," was an enlightening experience. I also enjoyed watching "I am Jazz." Both shows gave me a sense of hope, despite the challenges that lie ahead for those identifying as transgender.

So where does that leave me? Well, for now, I am figuring out what happens next. I have told two people in life at the time of this writing. My partner is not one of them. I hope to tell him soon. I just am not sure what to tell him, and how much I am going to alter my life going forward. My brain has been on this journey for about a year, and I realize that holding it in is making me more and more frustrated. I am fortunate that I have two people to talk with about it. I am looking into counseling as well. Fortunately, I am level-headed and I have dealt with my difference my whole life.

I have a steady job that I love, wonderful family and friends, and an amazing life. I am truly grateful for my blessings. I know I will figure out what is best as time goes on. I will continue to search for answers.

I would like to thank you for reading this blog. I will keep you updated on my story.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." 
Jimmy Dean

Love and light.