When I went to bed, I day dreamed myself to sleep imagining my wedding day...the way I want it to be. My family is there, beaming, all happy to be there. My man waiting for me at the end of the aisle, with a big smile on his face. My nieces are flower girls, my nephew a ring bearer. My sister is my matron of honor, and my mom walks me down the aisle. My man's sister and his nieces are my other bridesmaids. My brother is an usher, and my man's best man is his best friend. As I get ready to walk down with my mom, she looks at me and tells me how proud and happy she is today. After the ceremony, we get to the speeches. They are heartfelt and tear-filled. It's perfect.
Oh, and the dress? I had it made just for me. My hair is up, my nails are done, and I am feeling gorgeous. Then I drift off to sleep with a smile...
Then, I woke up. My man was next to me, checking out Facebook on his phone...the usual Sunday activity to start the day. Things seemed fine, and we cuddled for a bit. For reference, I wore a very OLD t-shirt that has seen better days. Many holes in the fabric from about 17 years of washing! (Not a bad testament to the quality!) He commented on the shirt, and I replied that it was very old. I said, "Will you still love me when I'm old..." and I paused. He jokingly picked up with, "And full of holes?"
I laughed, but noticed a change in his facial expression once the hidden, unexpected meaning became apparent. Immediately, my stomach turned, and I felt sick. The grey cloud moved in quickly, just as it had with the weather. I decided to go out and plant some flowers from yesterday's purchases. He seemed to be okay, but my cloud hadn't left yet. When I got back in, he asked if I was okay. I didn't reply with the truth, I just said, "Yes," and went to shower.
I knew this was going to be a tough, emotional journey. Some days, I feel so happy that the burden of the "secret" is out to him, and other days, it's like the weight is double. I am a very positive person, who truly is grateful for all I have, and I don't like to focus on the negative. I even questioned posting my feelings because I don't want to dwell or focus on the negative. Maybe the purpose of the post is to let others know that they are not alone in their feelings, should there be some like this.
I actually feel better having let it out. I guess that letting it go is a good thing. I will continue to focus on the good that is in my life, and keep bringing more of that into it. I really do feel better. Thanks for taking a moment to read this. If it helps you with any struggle, I am grateful that my words can help. You are not alone...even when you feel most alone. There is no moment of sadness that lasts forever. I wish you love and light.
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